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[27 May 2011|12:37am] |
really? isn't that unbelievably dangerous?
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[02 Sep 2010|01:02am] |
Post-note: I was going to write a post in culmination of the year I took off school, litter it with outbursts of gratitude for the people I met and the lessons I've learnt, but this came out instead. I think I'll try again on facebook.
So it's been 21 months since the end of JC, and I am finally going back to school. I would like to tell people how time flew by, and how I wish it wouldn't end, and how it was singularly the most awesome period of my life, but then I'd be lying. The truth is, it was okay. I loved a few bits in it, liked some others, and felt meh at most of the rest. I've found a gap year doesn't suit just anybody. I'm not quite sure if I'm one of them.
I guess you can hardly spend close to 2 years to yourself without growing and learning in some way, which is why people do this thing in the first place. I started working for my own money and being truly responsible. I had to get used to everyone around me diversifying - people moving on to things I would never be able to empathize with (army) and things I had yet to experience (university). I had to adjust to office life and then adjust out of it (EPU). Get used to having full autonomy over what to take up and what to leave behind. In short, I think I became grown-up for a while, with temporary versions of the same worries, triumphs and responsibilities. At the same time, I felt more of a teenager than I ever was back in school. There is nothing like speeding down an open road in your friend's car with the windows down and the music blasting, bellowing songs all the way. There were moments of open hedonism and deliberate irresponsibility, and haha, of course, my discovery of mambo night. At 20, I was both 17 and 35.
As much as it doesn't seem so, I'm a planner. I thrive on routine. It makes me productive and happy. It reminds me to savor periods of unstructured time so I can make the most of limited freedom. 21 months of essentially unstructured time made me careless. Yes, I had my goals, and I did achieve most of the things I set out to do, but as sad as it may sound, my dreams simply were not big enough to fill space. I had a page in my journal I filled with things I wanted to do (and I believe I posted some of them here as well), but after a while I found I wasn't, hm, filled with passion to accomplish these things in the first place. Those were just the best things I could do to kill time, and that is why I've come to accept that my natural disposition isn't really suited for a gap year.
It took me a good part of this unexpected time to realize this, but at heart, I really am a community person. The things I had written down in my journal were largely individual pursuits, and lonely ones at that - start painting again, learn to play the guitar, read certain books. They in themselves made me happier only if I was already happy. Fundamentally, I found what made me happiest was being part of a community. While I still take a while to open up to new faces, and will never be the talk of town or life of the party, I am happiest, as I always have been, when I'm around other people. That's why things like CAP and my time at EPU remain the highlights of my 21 months. And that's why I'm happy to go back to school again.
I've also come to realize that my state of mind is altered a fair bit by who I've interacted with recently. This, I guess, is the downside. Without schoolwork and other more important things to align me, I become susceptible to people I care about. I don't like to think of myself as spineless but sometimes I think I am, a bit. Or at least, things people say and do make me feel things more acutely than what I'd like to believe is average. I maintain it's not what one feels that matters but how one handles the feeling, but just the same, strong emotions characterized my gap year. I guess I just learned how to deal with them better. Coupled with the fact that my social circles pruned themselves and the people I used to lean on became essentially uncontactable, I had to become a pillar for myself, which barely works out even in theory.
Still, I am grateful to the people who made the 2 years worth having. If I'd left the year before, I'd not have met some of them, which would be a pity. We may not be great friends, and we may not even keep in contact past a discernible time in the future, but they made an impression. Some of them made me think. Some of them made me work. Some of them made me laugh. A couple of them made me cry. And one or two really, really inspired me. At the same time, there is really nothing like sharing part of growing up together, and that's why those who have been close to me since I can remember remained that way. I suspect they always will.
I started out at the tail end of 2008 feeling utterly clueless as to where I was headed, and what I was going to do with my life. Now, at the tail end of 2010, I know where I will be, at least for the next ten years. I'm happy with this knowledge, and it doesn't stifle me the least bit. I can safely say I know myself a little better now, and am not trying to be somebody I'm not. I may do some crazy things, but I also like routine. I may still be young, but I think it's okay to value security over the thrill of uncertainty sometimes. And I may come from a school that prides itself in producing champions and groundbreakers and scores of successful people, but I think what I want is just to settle down and start a family.
Ultimately, I am glad to be going at this juncture. There is the usual trepidation and sadness of leaving home behind, but fundamentally, I know there is no better time. If I had rushed off last year with the rest of my batch, there would have been untold number of loose ends left untied. There would have been things I would have wanted to experience here that I might never get to experience. And I might not have valued the education I am going to have in the US as much I know I will now. The things I have started here have come to their natural end, and I can look back on the past 21 months knowing that though I might not have enjoyed it as much as I'd have liked, everything that happened served its purpose. My work is done here, at least for now. And when I leave on Monday, to uproot for a while and centre my life 15,000km away, I'll be certain of only one thing: that there will be more adventure around the corner. I can't wait. :)
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[23 Aug 2010|03:19am] |
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Most of me is rearing to go, but a bit of me is dying to stay.
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| lessons |
[16 Jul 2010|02:29am] |
1. everybody has their own agenda. you can wish for the world to possess the same priorities as you do, to feel the same way you do about something and with the same intensity, but chances are, it won't happen. instead, make the best of what you have.
2. never peg your emotions to people whose emotions are not pegged to you in return.
3. accept yourself for who you are, but never take this as a cue to accept, also, the flaws and weaknesses you have the power to change.
4. there are worse things to be than uninteresting.
5. you can't control the way you feel, but you can control what you do about it. always be responsible for the consequences of your actions.
6. stand up for what you believe in, but make sure you have a solid reason to believe it in the first place.
7. opinions are colored by perspectives that originate from unique experiences. only sometimes is this enough to give an opinion credibility.
8. sometimes, there ARE right and wrong answers. the world's grey areas aren't as expansive as you think they are.
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| bla bla blah |
[22 Jun 2010|12:40am] |
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My mum is yakkity yakking in my ear and it's all I can do to shoot her with a snappy reply. I want to spend the next few months happily with her before flying off to school but she has a habit of getting extremely naggy and worrisome before something big happens in either of our lives. So it looks like I'll be battling my way to September instead, holding back testiness with comments muttered under my breath. I want to be away from home long enough to miss even this. Posted via LiveJournal.app.
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| It's raining |
[20 Mar 2010|11:12am] |
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and mardy bum just came on shuffle. I'm suddenly hurtled backwards to 2008 when it was pouring with equal intensity and this song came on our stolen hi-fi by the door. Makes me want to go back there. Posted via LiveJournal.app.
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| what a wonderful day (more than a week ago) |
[10 Feb 2010|10:27am] |
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(So I never got round to doing this, but I'm sitting here at 8.43am waiting for the bus that takes me to work and I'm thinking, eh, I can't afford to let this slowly slip away! ...and so here I am.) Anyway, it was an EPIC birthday. Anybody involved will try to tell you that I'm just blur and any plebian with half a brain would have suspected something but haha. Would you all rather have had a smart-alecky ge who was always one step ahead of you, smugly pre-empting every move?? Thought not. So it started in church with the guys bestowing upon me a sandwich-making kit, because "a woman's place is in the kitchen". And eric demanding that I return the box. In the afternoon we go back to my place to meet prav for a 'quiet celebration', 'just wanna take you out lah no big plans'. Shoo and I discuss bri. but get completely sidetracked by limzy's attempts to film self-made talkshow on the mac. ('this is not a photo of me, this is a video of me') 2 guest stars, exclusive interviews and a rather convincing expose of Swedish giant ikea's racist undertones later, prav finally arrives. With like, 10 people. Quiet birthday indeed. And so my house turns into the circus reminiscent of post-op visiting days, with people from all parts of my school life being represented :):) Everyone has a round of laughs viewing The Zhiying Show (which now has a hardcore dance soundtrack) as more people turn up. Shoo performs the song she wrote for me on the guitar she's been lugging around. (Prav's dentistry friend needs to return it to her through shoo.) Then everybody announces that they have "2 surprises" for me. 1. Rendition of my favourite things (the sound of music one) complete with costumes 2. And the guitar that up to this point I had believed was Prav's ...omg!!!! (which is, in retrospect, basically my expression throughout this entire afternoon) Some people have to leave but the usual crowd wait for Joel (and more critically his car) to arrive so that we can go for dinner at al-ameen and head out for pool. When he comes, no one wants to sit in his car and opts instead for the safer but slower Sean. Who ends up almost bringing us to bishan. A shoo willl tell you, joel's loyal riders won out in the end. Naan, chicken tikka, then a few rounds of pool. Many laughs derive from the difference in skill level amongst various players. Much politicking between teams, during which ben and I found out we could win by being the least skilled at the damn game. Meanwhile, shoo and cy become a scheming but formidable team. And ian loses his bag :( the boys stick around - or shall I say, the real men - for a round of undead-slaying. It's nearly 2am and I'm busted and i am the happiest person. The next day at work feels like a hangover. And ( I love you all )
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[04 Feb 2010|12:56am] |
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Argh! If I could only squeeze out the time to write about what I've been meaning to write about! Posted via LiveJournal.app.
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| all is right with the world |
[01 Feb 2010|03:01am] |
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I will post properly tomorrow, but for now, let me just say that i am blessed with the best friends anybody could ever hope to have. And if I am ever angry with the world it would do me well to remember this. For all posterity now, and kick me if I forget. Life's good. Posted via LiveJournal.app.
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| I'm just loving this |
[29 Jan 2010|01:30pm] |
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The Straits Times art department sits facing the glass door entrance of the sprawling newsroom, through which guests occasionally enter. Pasted on the front of the first artist's desk is a beautifully formatted sign that reads, "NOT RECEPTIONISTS". Gets me every time. Posted via LiveJournal.app.
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[22 Jan 2010|03:23pm] |
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There's a bit of a lull in work, so I'm dropping in to lj once again. All's good over here; I think I could really grow to like this place and the work we do. :) Posted via LiveJournal.app.
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[15 Jan 2010|03:16am] |
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grandpagong.carbonmade.com has been around for awhile but I rarely update it (nothing much to update, really). But I did so today, so go check it out and pretend you're a potential client! :P
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[15 Jan 2010|01:51am] |
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I suddenly got really excited about textures so I decided to make myself a desktop background! Ok, so the text doesn't really make sense; I took it off whatever MSN conversation windows were open at that point. No matter. Photoshop high!!
( my new desktop )
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[14 Jan 2010|06:46pm] |
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And this is my first experiment:
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[14 Jan 2010|05:46pm] |
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I'm teaching myself how to work with graphic styles and gradients in illustrator. It's giving me an inordinate sense of well-being (I part-quote Blur).
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[07 Jan 2010|03:57am] |
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Ok, so this is totally rad. Sitting by my bed eight now updating just because I can. Posted via LiveJournal.app.
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[07 Jan 2010|03:57am] |
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Ok, so this is totally rad. Sitting by my bed eight now updating just because I can. Posted via LiveJournal.app.
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grandpagong's journal
